Ministering to Your Wife

by Pastor Marvin R. Knight

“You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”
-1 Peter 3:7

Why is it essential for a husband to consistently minister to his wife? Why is it necessary? What does it mean to minister to her? What are the obstacles? How are we to help our wives, and what are the consequences if we neglect this duty? In the text before us, the Apostle Peter addresses this very practical subject with the early church scattered throughout Asia Minor.

The context of the Apostle’s instruction concerning a husband’s duty to his wife is connected to the tender theme of submission to authority (2:13, 18, 21-25). Sanctified submission is God’s way of freedom. There is submission within the very Godhead, as the Son submits Himself to the Father for the purpose of redemption (Heb.10:5-7),and the Spirit submits Himself to Christ for the purpose of sanctification (John 16:8-15; 2 Cor.3:18). Submission IS NOT slavery or unrighteous subjugation, but rather it is the proper recognition of God’s authority in our lives. God wants each of us to experience freedom in our lives, but before we can exercise liberty righteously, we must be under authority spiritually. In the beginning, Satan offered our first parents freedom without authority, but they ended up losing both their freedom and authority—why? Because just as truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy, freedom without submitting to authority results in anarchy. (Cf. Gen.3)

The supreme example of sanctified submission is the Lord Jesus Christ (1 Pet.2:21-25). At the time the Apostle Peter gave this instruction, the church was in its infancy. However, in God’s plan, it would be the means of abolishing slavery and raising women to their proper place in society.

Aristotle tells us that among the barbarians (non-Greeks), the woman and the slave held the same rank. In Greek communities, the case was different; but even among the Greeks women occupied a very subordinate position. Christianity would introduce great, sweeping changes in the relationship between men and women, as well as among masters and slaves. However, the change would not be violent, but gradual. Revolt and protest against recognized authority would not bring it about, but rather the softening and purifying influence of grace in the heart of the saved man or woman.[1]

Christianity not only introduces sweeping changes in society, but it also introduces revealing divisions in the home (Luke 12:51-53). Families will be divided, but the Christian is not to set family ties above the love of Christ (Luke 14:25-26). The call then is for Christian wives or husbands to live in peace with their unbelieving or immature spouses. Christian wives must endure ill treatment (within reason) and bear up under it with the quiet strength of gentleness (1 Pet.3:1-5)—but what about Christian husbands?

The Apostle Peter highlights two duties or responsibilities for the purpose of maturity.

Duty #1: LEARN TO DWELL WITH YOUR WIFE WISELY—“You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way…”

As one preacher put it, “…this means more than sharing the same address.”[2] The word “understanding” means that a man is to give due consideration to his partner’s spiritual, material, social, and physical needs. The responsibility of a Christian husband is to dwell with his wife and fulfill all the duties of marriage. The question is, how? Peter answers that question with the words, “in an understanding way.” The King James Version uses the phrase, “according to knowledge.” This same word for knowledge is used in 2 Peter 1:5 to speak of intelligence and discernment, which is connected to true Christian character. In other words, in thinking intelligently about your wife—about her needs, moods, fears, and hopes—the Christian husband will grow in true Christian character.

When a husband does not live with his wife according to knowledge, what are the consequences? For the husband, he robs himself of the respect that he desires because the wife is not receiving the leadership and love that she so desperately needs. Failure here has serious ramifications. Let’s stop for a moment and take a pop quiz. Do you know the five primary needs of a wife?[3]

1. ___________________________________
2. ___________________________________
3. ___________________________________
4. ___________________________________
5. ___________________________________

Someone asked Mrs. Albert Einstein if she understood Dr. Einstein’s theory of relativity. She replied, “No, but I understand the Doctor.”[4] You may have heard it said, “Ignorance is bliss,” but in the Bible, ignorance is not bliss; it is dangerous and fatal. Paul strongly charged the Corinthian believers to literally “stop being ignorant” (1 Cor.10:1; Cf. 1 Cor.12:1, 14:20).The same is true in marriage, because the consequences are far-reaching.

What responsibility is ours? We are to fulfill all the duties of marriage. How? We are to do so by intelligently thinking about the needs of our own wives. What do we need to keep in mind as we do? Remember what she is—“You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker…”

The phrase, “as with someone weaker,” or as with a weaker vessel, tells us that our consideration of our spouse should be on the grounds of her comparative weakness. To put it another way, when you think about your wife, don’t look for the discrepancies and contrast them with your own. Remember the differences and their purpose. Remember that she is most likely weak where you are strong, scattered where you are together or insecure where you are secure. It is your role to balance her out and vice versa. Keeping this in mind helps men to be thoughtful, not critical.

A recent survey revealed that the average husband and wife had thirty-seven minutes a week together in actual communication! This survey reveals that part of the problem is that husbands and wives do not spend enough time together talking about what really matters. The husband must make time to be with his wife in order to get to know her better. Warren Wiersbe once said, “Christian workers and church officers who get too busy running around solving other people’s problems, may end up creating problems of their own at home.”[5]

TAKING INVENTORY:
The following are questions that you could ask yourself and your spouse to gauge where you are in your marriage.

1. Are we partners, or competitors?
2. Are we helping each other become more spiritual?
3. Are we depending on externals or the eternals, the artificial or the real?
4. Do we understand each other better?
5. Are we sensitive to each other’s feelings and ideas, or are we taking each other for granted?
6. Are we seeing God answer our prayers?
7. Are we enriched because of our marriage, or robbing each other of God’s blessing?[6]

Duty #2: COMMIT TO HONOR YOUR WIFE FAITHFULLY—“…show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life…”

To be a “fellow heir” means to share a common inheritance, a common interest, and a common involvement. What this means for us is that the days of “mine” and “yours” should be over and the days of “ours” have arrived! This may not be easy at first, but this is the goal that you should be committed to achieving as a Christian husband. Two people may make the same journey and never speak. Therefore, if you and your wife are to enjoy this common interest, there cannot be secrets, dishonesty, or autonomy. Peter wants us to avoid this tragedy. There is nothing worse or more painful than a bad marriage. However, a good marriage will not be without challenges and obstacles.

If both the husband and wife are born again, then “the grace of life” means eternal life. However, if one spouse is not saved, then, mostly likely, it means “the blessings of the common graces of life.”

What does it mean to honor your wife?Giving honor does not mean giving in to your wife, but it does mean acting with courtesy and respect toward her. It does not mean agreeing with everything your wife wants to do, but loving her enough to protect her highest good, knowing that what happens to her will affect you, your family, and the church.

• To honor your wife means refusing to vilify her or despise her.
• To honor your wife means respecting her enough not to exasperate her.
• To honor your wife means recognizing her faults, but not judging her too narrowly.

To honor your wife does not mean that you cannot give correction, but knowing that she is a weaker vessel, the Christian husband must cover her cracks without excusing them. How? By making sure your rebukes are not harsh, but mild. How do you achieve this? You do it by tempering your correction with love.

Here is a principle that will stand the test of time: there is no true love that is not founded on mutual respect;and that respect will be truest when we regard each other as precious in the sight of God. A husband will love his wife best when he loves God the most!

WHAT ARE THE DANGERS OF NEGLECTING THESE DUTIES?

First, dishonoring your wife will affect your prayer life—“…so that your prayers will not be hindered.” The “prayers” that Peter refers to are prayers offered personally and mutually. Here Peter asserts that husbands and wives should pray both privately and collectively. He also asserts that a couple should understand that they cannot live without prayer. Can a husband and wife have the love, wisdom, patience, and kindness, which make marriage so enjoyable, if God is neglected?

In the Greek language, the word “hindered” conveys the idea of being “cut off.” It suggests the idea that it cuts the muscles and strength of prayer. It makes gaps and breaches. To have your prayer life hindered cuts the veins of spiritual vitality and the lifeblood of marriage runs out; eventually, it bleeds to death. If the husband and wife live together without mutual respect and affection (Eph.5:33),there will be no sympathy in united prayer and the promise made by Christ cannot be realized.

Matthew 18:19—“Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven.”

Not only will your prayer life be hindered together, but also the flow of your personal prayer life will be unacceptable (Matt.5:22-24).

The danger of neglecting your duty as a Christian husband is that it hinders the pipeline of power in prayer; therefore, the husband must be zealous never to allow anything to hinder the fellowship and support that he receives from God in prayer. He must not allow misunderstanding, pride, jealousy, or anything else to get in the way, not even for a brief season. Unkindness and bitterness kill prayer. Never allow the sun to go down before you get things right (Eph.4:26-27). Mutual prayer is, primarily, a form of spiritual intercourse. When you pray foreach other and with each other, you begin to experience the spiritual oneness that you have in God’s eyes. Mutual prayer also builds mutual fidelity and mutual piety.

True prayer is hindered from being earnest and confident when personal relationships with others, and especially our wives, are not right. If lost people can be somewhat happy without prayer in the home, how much happier should we be, as Christians, with access to the throne room of prayer?

IDENTIFYING THE SIGNS: Here are the warning signals that something is wrong and needs immediate attention:

1. Listen to the whine—this is called the complaint quotient. Who is complaining a lot?
2. Listen to the volume—this is called the noise frequency. The louder the tone, the more desperate is the need.
3. Listen to the silence—this is called the elevator music. Sighs and quietness, when found together, are often a sign that hurt and fear exist.
4. Listen to the message behind the words—this is called the real issue. Sarcastic remarks or innuendos are clear signs that something is wrong.

Ask yourself:

• Are we spending enough time together to nurture our friendship?
• Are we addressing practical areas of money, family, needs, home, and ministry?
• Are we in a major life transition or tough circumstances?
• Do I desire to be with my spouse? Are we making the time each week to be lovers?
• Are we walking with Jesus?
• Are we avoiding obvious marriage killers, like drugs, alcohol, excessive shopping, gambling, pornography, improper relationships with the opposite sex, in-law interference, and seeking to be rich?
• Are we praying together (and not just at meals)?

You can only go two directions in marriage: closer together or farther apart. There is no middle ground. So how are you doing with your wife? Are you fulfilling your duties? Perhaps you should go over this study with her to find out.

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